The Tinfoil of Thedas – What If the Maker Was a Tevinter Mage?

 

With Dragon Age Inquisition came the revelation that the Elven gods are basically nothing more than super powered Elven mages who acquired enough magical juice that they essentially became immortal. And they would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for that stinking Fen’Harel! But even that took something small like creating an entirely different dimension full of spirits and demons and all that lovely magical potential. So this got me thinking, what if the Human god had a similar revelation? What if the Maker was… a human Tevinter mage?

An example of how Fen’Harel is depicted years after Solas did his little rebellion. A god and, because of the tales the Elven followers spread, a figure to beware of.

The concept of what a deity is, is heavily explored in the Dragon Age series. Based on what we’ve seen so far gods seem to be incredibly powerful humanoids who acquire enough magical power that they become labelled a god by their followers. Perhaps even by a few people who lived through all their wonderful tales of exploit(ations). A few silly mortals who stare in awe at the magical fireballs that can smite entire cities. Mortals who will start telling tales to their neighbours. Their children. Their new enslaved followers.

Take a few centuries to allow the tales to spread. To let them become as fantastical as such a linguistic beast can become, by ignoring a few of those pesky details and by allowing the exaggerations to grow epically beyond even my belief. Take a few cunning people who exploit those tales for their own benefit and tada! You have gotten yourself a new religion. A new Andrastian religion, one might say.

All Is Fair in Love, War and Religion

The Maker as he’s depicted on the tarrot cards of Dragon Age Inquisition. Looks rather magey to me!

So how would this work for the Maker? Well, if you take a look at the Andrastian chantry you will find that a lot of those supposed spiritual religious things that the Maker did sounds suspiciously similar to this force that the Dragon Age franchise knows very well: magic.

Let’s take a look at how our beloved Andraste managed to create this new religion that has ensnared Orlais and all its allies into its mighty grasp. One day this girl was singing in the woods and the Maker, why this god himself!, heard her voice and he was smitten with her. Andraste was a pretty little girl, you see, and so this humanoid omnipotent creature decided to perv on her and soon they were in love. Andraste swayed the Maker to give humans another chance and the Maker’s almighty penis decided to agree. Soon Andraste and her army of fanatical followers laid waste to the Tevinter Imperium and soon the Maker smote all the evil mages and burned down all the fields. But loo, Andraste’s husband Maferath grew jealous. He didn’t like that Andraste and the Maker were getting along and like the beta male he is he decided to sell out his own wife. And so Andraste was captured and burned on the pyre in Minrathous, for all to see. And then the Maker turned his gaze away and we never heard a peep from him again.

Now I’ve got myself a question: why didn’t this omnipotent divine creature do anything to save his beloved bride? Why didn’t he intervene while his beautiful little singer was burning? Why didn’t he stop those naughty little Tevinter magi while they were getting their little revenge fetish fix? Maybe, because he couldn’t.

What Is a God to a Non-Believer?!

Andraste as she’s being taken by the Tevinters to get their little revenge fix.

Let’s now add the theory that the Maker was actually a Tevinter mage. Ignoring the obvious Romeo and Julliet parralels, it would explain a thing or two. It would explain why Andraste met the Maker in the woods, as it’s probably not a good idea for a magister of any kind to be seen by the filthy barbarians that were Andraste’s pack. All those times Andraste supposedly spent alone in meditation? Yeah, she was banging a Tevinter magister. But no matter how awesome the sex must be, there’s nothing spiritual about a woman being attracted to a guy. It could explain how she managed to sway the Maker into aiding her cause. A bit of sex and a few thousand speeches about the value of freedom would make any man help his beloved honeybunny. And hey, if the Maker is such a good chap he’ll surely see the suffering his fellow magisters are causing. A Maker Tevinter mage could explain how Andraste and her army won against this supposed more powerful imperium, but also required the services of a Tevinter magister to win the day. After all, a Maker could easily destroy the entire Tevinter Imperium, nay THEDAS!, on his own, but a Tevinter mage with knowledge about incredibly sensitive information about the Tevinter army, organisation, society and various other tidbits of strategic knowhow could help Andraste engage in some guerilla warfare. A mage can easily burn fields. And “smite” is a term that’s used to turn some nasty magic into divine, righteous revenge voodoo.

This could explain why Maferath decided to sell out his wife. He wasn’t jealous of some absentee god figure, he was jealous of a real, living, breathing man fucking his wife. Any man could surely be driven to the absolute fury that is required to sell out your wife to your worst enemy if he is forcebly turned into a cuck. And the Maker turning his gaze away from it all? A heartbroken man who decided that he has no reasons to be engaged in this war any longer. The fact that by that point enough followers had joined Andraste’s army to pose a real threat to the Tevinter Imperium is just a fun little bonus on top of this shit cake.

The Real Thematic Purpose of Haven

Haven as it’s depicted in Dragon Age Inquisition. Without the Gauntlet, for some reason…

Now, of course I can’t really prove any of this, but there is one little fun location in Ferelden that might actually help substantiate my claim: Haven, that fun little cultist hotspot that remains important in two games. For it is there that the burial place of Andraste was built. And just like all of the legends this place seems to have been built by “divine power.” But even our beloved Genitivi will tell you that that’s probably just some metaphor for the occasional well-placed trap. Yet the temple itself seems to have some divine energy to it. This gauntlet must surely be more than just a trap, right? Well sure, it’s a magical trap. Both Wynne and Oghren, those lovably old scamps, instantly say that there’s something magical involved. Why, dearest Oghren points out the temple was built on lyrium. So all of a sudden all those lovely puzzles are actually a bit more than that. All of a sudden it makes sense why stone pillars disappear and you have to fight against your own reflection. Hell, the first room contains supposed followers who turn into demons, for fuck’s sake. So if anything this burial place is a fun little microcosm for the entire Andrastian faith: plain old magic masqueraiding as divine diviness.

Though if you really want to get into tinfoil territory, what if Andraste herself was a mage? You know, no. I don’t have enough aluminum for that theory…

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Copyright: The images used in this article are screenshots taken from the video games “Dragon Age: inquisition” and “Dragon Age: Origins.” We are allowed to use them under section 107 of the US Copyright Act of 1976. “Dragon Age: Origins” and “Dragon Age: Origins” were created by Bioware.

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