Analyze’s Diary – Entry 6: Return to Sender… With a Bill


This is totally what happened. Don't believe what you read elsewhere.

“I am the one! So gimme money, Morpheus you cheap prick!” – Dr. Analyze

A siren blared in the distance. It had finally come. My salvation had finally come! No longer would I be tormented by its inane pratteling! No longer would I be subject to its ear-piercing puns! My earmuffs had long since fallen apart, corrupted and rotten they had sloughed off my ears. Letting out the faintest of screams as they fell to the ground. But none of that mattered any longer. The blue and red of police lights had appeared outside my window shimmering like diamonds in the window of that store you contemplated robbing once until you figured out they locked their doors at night.

They were here! Someone had found my letter! Someone had actually found it! I mean, it was a brilliant plan and all and it absolutely was going to work and I totally knew that already and wasn’t desperate at all, but it totally worked! I was overjoyed. My body trembled with excitement as I heard the car pull over.

With the sound of every step on my stairs, I let out a tiny high-pitched (yet manly) squeak. The sound stopped outside my door. No doubt any moment now, the SWAT team would break down the door and their silver bullets would pierce its demonic vocal chords. I took cover behind the aluminium cutout it had made of me from ice tea cans. I covered my ears and… heard a faint knocking. A little pedestrian for the rescue of someone like myself, but I’d forgive them… in time. The door opened and a jiggling mass of something that used to be doughnuts in a blue police uniform appeared inside of my room.


“Yes!” I exclaimed.

“Littering is illegal, sir. Here’s your ice tea can.” He threw it at me. Despite my superhuman reflexes, it still hit me in the lip. “That’ll be 10.000 euros and I’ll see you in court.” He slammed the door shut.

Damn Green government… I was about to run after him to make a final plea when IT bolted out the door and said.

“Don’t you worry little buddy, I’ll take care of this.”

It was gone for 5 minutes, though its stench lingered that entire time. When it returned it revealed its most diabolical plan yet… it had given its house in payment for the fine and as a settlement for the court. It was going to move in… with me! I now knew the true face of horror. I would have to escape on my own. I would concoct a plan to rival the brilliance of the Maginot line, the sophistication of continental system and follow in the footsteps of the greates Roman general in history: Publius Quinctilius Varus. Shame I never managed to finish his biography, oh well I’m sure it all turned out fine. Men of our calibre always get what we deserve.

But I would need rest first… and time. I sat down, blanket wrapped around me, to watch the movie and a minor earthquake signaled it had done the same.


To read the related Critique Geeks episode click here.

To read the earthquake on legs’ perspective click here.

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