Analyze’s Diary – Entry 5

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To whomever finds the ice tea can in which this note is hidden. I have been kidnapped by a creature most foul. It has been more than a week since it grabbed me from my bed and in that time it has not left my room. Food is becoming scarce as it has eaten everything in sight. The waterfall has run dry. It swallowed everything. Every last drop of the river. Even the fish. Ice tea cans are strewn about the room, forming a wall around which no escape is possible. I have tried to climb it with all my effort. Believe me when I say, I’ve had plenty of motivation. The puns, dear reader. They have driven me up there more than once. But there is no escaping the low-brow filth the creature laughs at ingloriously. I even commented once that it had been a pun-ishment. It was at that moment that I realised what was truly happening. It was invading my mind. I was becoming like it. I needed a way out. I needed to know I could escape this horrible fate of inevitable diabetes. But who could offer me solace? Then it struck me… his hand. Another attempted bearhug failed, no doubt. But what also struck me was that I knew who could offer me advice here. I turned on The Originals, hoping to see how Marcel might escape his own terrible corruption… This will keep me sane until help arrives. Please, I beg you, send help. Send police. Send SWAT. Send nuclear weapons. Send something to wash him for godsakes! Just please, come fast.

P.S.: Wear earmuffs.

To read the related Critique Geeks episode click here.

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