Analyze’s Diary – Entry 5: Message in a Soda Can


I'm not crazy! You're crazy! Especially you, Maddius!

I’ve lost my food, my drink, and I’m having to cram a big piece of paper into an ice tea can. But at least I can take comfort in the fact that I haven’t lost my precious sanity.

To whomever finds the ice tea can in which this note is hidden. I have been kidnapped by a creature most foul.

It has been more than a month since it grabbed me from my bed and in that time it has not left my room. Food is becoming scarce as it has eaten everything in sight. The waterfall has run dry. It swallowed everything. Every last drop of the river. Even the fish. Empty cans of ice tea are strewn about the room, forming a wall around which no escape is possible. I have tried to climb it with all my effort. Believe me when I say, I’ve had plenty of motivation.

The puns, dear reader. They have driven me up there more than once. But there is no escaping the low-brow filth the creature laughs at ingloriously. I even commented once that it had been a pun-ishment. It was at that moment that I realised what was truly happening. It was invading my mind! I was becoming like it! I needed a way out. I needed to know I could escape this horrible fate of inevitable diabetes. But who could offer me solace? Then it struck me… its hand. Another attempted bear hug failed, no doubt. But what also struck me was that I knew who could offer me that much-needed solace.

I turned on season 8 of Game of Thrones hoping the high quality writing would lift my spirits. This will doubtless keep me sane until help arrives. Please, I beg you, send help. Send police. Send SWAT. Send nuclear weapons. Send something to wash him for godsakes! Just please, come fast.

P.S.: Wear earmuffs.


To read the related Critique Geeks episode click here.

To read the foul telepathic abomination’s perspective click here.

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